Control Your Emotions
by Rosegolden394
Summary: Severus is feeling grumpy. As usual. This time it has to do with a certain blast from the past come back to Hogwarts. He wants to be as menacing as possible to keep him away, as there are just too many emotions to deal with when he's close. And dealing with emotions is one of the few things Severus Snape is very bad at.


August 31st, 1993

Severus had had both breakfast and lunch delivered to his rooms instead of venturing out. It was the last full day before the irritating gaggle of offspring filled the castle, and so he was going to spend it completely free from human interaction. House elves, after all, weren't human.

Another reason for staying in, perhaps a bigger part of it than he was willing to admit, was that he wasn't sure at which point in the day _he'd_ be arriving. And he very much wanted to avoid a run-in.

So, he'd gathered together and organized for the third time his lists and schedules for what was to be the year's lessons. He'd made two pots of tea. He'd taken a rather long shower. Pressed and hung his teacher's cloaks without using magic. And now, in the late afternoon, he sat in his arm chair staring into the fire feeling distracted and irritable. An untouched glass of Superior Red wine, straight from Malfoy's Apothecary, sat on the side table next to him.

He'd been pretending that he didn't have an opinion either way about the new Defense Against the Dark Arts appointment. At least, since his initial fruitless outburst in the headmaster's office when he'd first been told who it was to be. But he found himself anxiously imagining the moment he'd have to see him for the first time. He tried to remember how many years it had been. Eleven. Possibly twelve. He was beginning to worry that he wasn't going to be able to control himself, but, deep down he knew he would. There was probably no person alive more adept at keeping their emotions subdued, hidden. He'd been doing it ever since he could remember… most often with his very life, or other's lives, depending on it. But this was possibly going to be too much. He hadn't been this worried about his own reactions since the boy had arrived at the school, almost exactly two years ago.

There were so many memories with attached feelings that the man's presence was going to bring forth for Severus… old and dusty and tucked away for years in dim corners of his mind. He knew that when he saw him, they would all be forced from their protected coves. Causing him to review and relive it all. Something that he very rarely allowed to happen...

And the few times that he had… it had consumed him. Then usually concluded with him waking to Albus and Poppy hoisting him off his sitting room floor, bottles of firewhiskey strewn about, and no clear recollection of the last 48 hours. The last time it had happened being the Saturday after the boy's first week at school.

Ridiculous thing was, Severus recognized, the majority of it actually had little to do with the man himself. Still, even seeing his face -the face of someone who'd been present, even in the perimeter, for some of the most consequential points of Severus' life- was going to prove difficult.

Not that the former classmate was an innocent, far from it. Severus had plenty of anger towards him for his own actions, and inaction, and they were not the type of incidents easily forgiven. In fact, along with his talent for concealing emotion, Severus was also very proficient in holding grudges.

And this was _so_ much more than a grudge.

This was the smoldering fire that was still burned in the depths of his soul. Smaller now, subdued by time, but still as hot as Fiendfyre. Enduring the years and driving his every action still to this day. And if the wolf thought the two of them were going to have some kind of casual friendship, well, he was far off the mark.

He'd know different though, the wolf, that any such notion was erroneous the second he tried to advance. Severus would of course remain impassive, he wouldn't let him know his presence affected him, but then he would make it known in no uncertain terms that his cordiality was not welcome. In the way only he could.

His eyes fell on his hand that gripped the arm of his chair and saw that his knuckles were white. He stretched out his long fingers and took a few slow breaths.

He'd promised the old man that he'd make the damn potion though. They could've sent out for some of course, but there would have been questions of why it was needed, and Albus also knew that the only way to get a quality batch guaranteed to work as intended, was for Severus himself to make it. So he'd agreed to do it. There just wasn't a way around it. Not if he didn't want students maimed or eaten.

Though, there were a few Gryffindors…

Severus smirked and took a long drink of the wine. He wouldn't think about the wolf again today, he'd stay in his rooms and enjoy this last day of peace.

Although somewhere inside of him, Severus knew that he never really got any peace, not truly. And he hadn't in a very long time. He also knew with quite a bit of certainty that he was most likely to not feel peace ever again, at least not while he was still having to live this life that was his.


End file.
